Archive for May, 2001

Beam me up, Scott Bakula

Thursday, May 31st, 2001

The UPN network revealed today that The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith will have a recurring role in their next installment of the Star Trek saga, Enterprise, which is currently in production and will premiere in Fall of 2001. Not many details of Smith’s character are known, but it is rumored he will be barely recognizable under several layers of prosthetics, portraying an alien arch-nemesis of Captain Jonathan Archer, played by veteran actor Scott Bakula.

Patent pending

Sunday, May 27th, 2001

Ever wish you could fry up a steak in less than two seconds? Ever wonder why breaking cement blocks with your head doesn’t work? Ever consider donating a limb to charity? Ever try heating up a meal in your freezer? If you consider yourself one of the 300 million Americans who answered ‘yes’ to any one of these questions, an amazing new product from The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith will have you stabbing yourself in ecstasy: it’s the fabulous new sCrotchalizer 9000!

Smith fails DNA test

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is in custody tonight after failing a random DNA test to prove his own identity. FBI agents raided Smith’s house at approximately 2pm today, and barraged him with questions while taking blood, stool, urine, phlegm, and skin samples back with them to the lab. “The DNA just does not match up to our files,” said one Agent Wilson. “It’s a particularly dangerous situation now, because although this man appears to have Smith’s blood, skin, stool, urine and phlegm, we don’t know exactly who we’re dealing with here.”

Mideast peace proposal

Sunday, May 20th, 2001

At a news conference this morning, Rev. Smith outlined a radical strategy to bring about peace between Israel and Palestine. “I’m calling for the establishment of a UN watchdog group to monitor any acts of violence by either side in this conflict,” read Smith from a prepared statement. “Any time either Israel or the Palestinians strike at one another, we must bomb the shit out of both of them. For it is only by the use of further escalated retaliatory violence that we can hope to end to this vicous circle of violence.”

Gummi statue unveiled

Monday, May 14th, 2001

A statue of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith standing 4.3 meters tall, and made entirely out of ‘gummi’ was unveiled today in Antwerp, Belgium. “Today we honor a man who has done much more for our people of than we could ever have reasonably expected,” noted Henrick Vooght, a respected community leader. Constructed over the course of several days, the statue is made from thousands upon thousands of melted down gummi bears and assorted gummi products, and is thought to have cost nearly US$250.

Less Filling / Tastes Great issue resolved

Saturday, May 12th, 2001

It was one of the most bitterly disputed issues of the 1980s, turning brother against brother, with both sides of the debate firmly entrenched and unwilling to yield even an inch to the opposition. Having spent his childhood surrounded by this controversy, and after years of exposure to polemic from either side, Rev. Smith for the first time tried a Miller Lite last night, and has weighed in on the matter with a decisive answer which should forever resolve this issue. “It’s gotta be Less Filling,” said Smith, “because it sure as hell does not Taste Great. This stuff tastes like piss water.”

Gut wrenched

Friday, May 11th, 2001

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is in the hospital today suffering from a wrenched gut, an injury he sustained yesterday morning when he received the news that longtime friend and near-constant companion Chelsea Clinton was not interested in him “in that way”. The injury was compounded when she proceeded to ask him about the availability of an unnamed associate of Rev. Smith named Michael Baer, who is believed to be a fellow student at Stanford, and is indeed available.

Tony Danza: what’s he good for?

Tuesday, May 8th, 2001

After a long career of playing characters named Tony on TV shows such as “Taxi”, “Who’s the Boss?”, “Hudson Street”, and the ill-fated “The Tony Danza Show”, it’s been a number of years since Americans have seen Tony Danza on a regular basis, and people are beginning to ask themselves and each other, “Tony Danza: what’s he good for?” Finally there is a website which explores this question in as much detail as it deserves.

Smith visits Hong Kong Chow-Yun-Fat-style

Sunday, May 6th, 2001

With a gun in one hand and another one in the other, Rev. Smith walked determinedly through the markets of Tsim Sha Tsui, amongst the towering skyscrapers of Central, and up to the heights of Victoria Peak, mercilessly taking vigilante vengeance against those who had wronged his family and left him for dead. He then left for the United States to become a watered down version of his former self.

Word “ralph” coming back into style

Saturday, May 5th, 2001

After over a decade of disuse, the word “ralph” used to describe a long, loud belch, has unexpectedly returned to mainstream popularity. “This is something we’ve seen coming on the horizon for some time now,” noted Dr. Yebec Chedyl a respected linguist from the University of Detroit in Birmingham. “You know, I was quite fond of ‘ralph’,” commented The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith wistfully, “and was sad to see it become so very unhip around the close of the 80s.” He paused for a moment and then ralphed.

BRAD: the game ranks in top 10

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001

A recently published list of the top 10 best computer games of the 20th century, as voted on by a consortium of game developers, ranked Rev. Smith’s BRAD: the game in the number eight position, beating out such classics as DOOM, Pac Man, and Street Fighter 2. Edgeing out B:tG were the following games: Civilization II, Sam & Max Hit the Road, Elite, SimCity, Super Mario Bros. 3, and Frogger.