Archive for April, 2001

Wham rap ‘86 (enjoy what you do)

Monday, April 30th, 2001

I’ve got street credibility. I may not have a job, but I have a good time with the boys that I meet “down on the line”. I ain’t never gonna work, get down in the dirt. I choose to cruise. Gonna live my life sharp as a knife. I’ve found my groove and I just can’t lose. Now reach up high and touch your soul. The boys from Wham! will help you reach that goal. Wham! Bam! I am a man. Job or no job, you can’t tell me that I’m not. Do you enjoy what you do? If not, just stop. Don’t stay there and rot.

Holy shit

Friday, April 27th, 2001

Crowds of the devout flocked in pilgrimage from across the nation today after news broke that Rev. Smith had produced a lump of feces in the shape of a cross. Regarded by most Christians as the world’s only living prophet, Smith experienced the divine dump after days of intense religious meditation. A new order or monks calling themselves The Brotherhood of the Blessed Bowel Movement has been entrusted by The Church to watch over this most holy relic.

Foot & mouth disease detected in Canada

Monday, April 23rd, 2001

Thousands upon thousands of Canadian citizens were slaughtered over the weekend to prevent further spread of the dreaded foot and mouth disease which has ravaged Britain in recent months. Although it is estimated that only 1 in 30,000,000 Canadians are carriers of the disease which has no harmful effects on humans, government officials have chosen to take swift action “so as to err on the side of safety, rather than regret our inaction at a later date.”

Giant space rock no cause for alarm

Friday, April 20th, 2001

Only days after the startling scientific discovery of an ongoing enormous explosion in space, there is now evidence mounting of a moon-sized object one-sixth the size of the Earth whose circular orbit has taken it a mere 226,782 miles from the surface of our planet. If this giant object were to collide with Earth, it would spell certain doom for all resident life forms. While scientists don’t believe that will happen, some suggest that it has already affected life on Earth, causing rising ocean level in some areas, and falling levels in others.

Fiery explosion detected in space

Tuesday, April 17th, 2001

Scientists were alarmed today by the detection of an ongoing massive fireball explosion at the center of our own solar system. This phenomenon, visible from Earth with the naked eye, is believed to have had its origins millions and millions of years ago, and many predict it will continue to burn for the foreseeable future. Earth will not go unaffected by this relatively nearby explosion, whose constant emittance of heat and light has no doubt already affected the Earth’s climate, and whose gravitational pull is so vast, we are doomed to circle it, quite probably forever.

Jam brings about peace

Saturday, April 14th, 2001

For an all-too-brief period this afternoon, global peace was fully realized, with no acts of violence or ill will occurring anywhere in the world for a stretch of nearly four hours. Political science experts are unanimous is citing an “open mike” style musical Peace Jam held in San Francisco, featuring a short set by The Human Heads as the direct cause for this anomaly. Upon the jam’s conclusion, worldwide bloodshed and malice returned to their standard levels.

Coming home in a body bag

Monday, April 9th, 2001

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith returned home to the U. S. today in a body bag. “I was a little strapped for cash,” said Smith, “so I had my bandmate Lila check me in as baggage on our flight home.”  Asked how he survived a fourteen hour flight in the unpressurized cargo area of the plane, zipped in a bag, Smith replied, “I just thought happy thoughts… you know, for those first few seconds before I blacked out.”

Almost a GOF UGNÜT reunion

Sunday, April 1st, 2001

The world witnessed today what may well be the closest it will ever come to a full reunion of that beloved 80s pop sensation GOF UGNÜT as Rev. Smith joined Jason “Big Al Q” Levesque on a cruise down the Yangtse River to visit the Three Gorges. Missing, of course, was Jonathan Anthony Field, the band visionary who died in 1993 in an olympic-sized pool of his own vomit.