Revising an earlier official statement that he is “high on life”, Rev. Smith today announced that it is more accurate to say that he is “stoned on life”. Rather than a providing him with a euphoric adrenaline rush akin to dropping ecstasy, life has been providing Smith a natural mellow, sleepy confusion in which things seem funnier than they really are.
Archive for February, 2001
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was hoodwinked today, hornswoggled and duped by those he trusted, and made to play the fool. No small amount of face was lost, and some see Smith’s reputation as irrevocably sullied, his character besmirched, and his good name forever tarnished. As a further indignity, Tony Danza has stopped taking his calls.
A regular checkup brought unexpected and traumatic news today as Rev. Smith was diagnosed with Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Only the fourteenth adult to ever test positive for SIDS, Smith immediately became a celebrity spokesperson. “There is no known cure for SIDS,” said Smith gravely on national television, “so I’m pretty screwed.” Doctors believe Smith’s sudden death could happen at any time within the next 70-80 years.
Following-up the wildly successful Monsters of Rock ‘89, Van Halen will be headlining another stadium tour of topnotch hard rock acts this summer. Already pledging to join them are veterans The Scorpions and Dokken, plus a reunited Kingdom Come. “We’ve gotta show some of these new so-called rock bands out there like Pearl Jam or Poison how to really rock,” said bassist Jeff Pilson of Dokken. The pressure is on for Van Halen to find a new lead singer before the tour kicks off in May. “We wanted that guy from Journey,” said Alex Van Halen, “but I guess he quit singing a few years back. I dunno, maybe Phil Collins is available?”
Rev. Smith’s endearing and infamous semi-fictional homage to his family, BRAD: the game, passed the 125,000 hit marker early this morning. When asked why this personal, touching choose-your-own-adventure style web-based game which was originally written only for friends and family to enjoy has become such an astounding popular web phenomenon, Smith replied, “I have no idea.”
After being arrested on charges of rolling doubles three times in a row, Rev. Smith was sent directly to jail today without trial, and was not allowed to collect his $200 salary. During his stay in jail he was visited by a friend who later had to pay Smith $1250 for staying one of his hotels. Released from jail early after paying a fee of $50, Smith went on to earn $10 for winning second place in a beauty contest.
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was in Finland today to officiate the 93rd annual Salad Toss festivities in Helsinki. Hundreds of contestants from all across Scandinavia were drawn to the event in which Børjiik Öråg was widely expected to trounce his own 1974 world record of 27.18 decameters. Tragically a last minute shaving accident kept Öråg out of the competition. Rumors of foul play abound.
Today’s news from the international scientific community on the certainty of a coming “global warming” was heartily welcomed today by the millions of Earth’s citizens living in the planet’s coldest climates. A coalition of Canadians, Icelanders, Siberians, and even some New Englanders celebrated today’s news by leaving their cars running all day, and spraying aerosol cans into the air with abandon.
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was late for church this morning — about thirteen years too late. Having not set foot in a house of worship in over a decade after untold years of unrepentant sinning and a rejection of Jesus as his savior, Rev. Smith will surely not be forgiven by our all-merciful Father in heaven, but instead is doomed to be cast in a pit of burning flames by God upon death.
In the dawn hours of the early morning, a groundhog poked his head out of the ground in Pennsylvania and saw his shadow, indicating six more weeks of winter. Hours later, giraffe pooped under a tree in Africa, indicating a successful hunting season to come. In the evening, a major earthquake hit India, indicating death, pain, and misery for millions.