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Archive for January, 2001
At a surprise public Meat Handler’s convention in Buffalo, NY, today The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith boldly pronounced that he has overcome all of his fears, and that he fears not any future fears frightening him in the foreseeable future. The news was met with apprehension on Wall Street where jittery investors spent the day both buying and selling stocks.
Today, January 23, 2001, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith celebrates his 10,000th day of being alive. To commemorate this remarkable achievement, on this very special day, Smith will wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then finally, when the day is done, go to sleep. A motion to declare the day a national holiday in France was narrowly defeated by 43 votes.
With an irresistibly catchy melody and an almost scarily poignant message in its lyric, In the Future by The Human Heads is buzzing its way up the Indie charts at mp3.com, hitting the number 11 spot by noontime tomorrow. Go and see for yourself what the fuss is all about at mp3.com/thehumanheads. You have been warned.
This weekend’s planned celebrity-awareness gala in Ottawa has been canceled due to expected severe weather conditions. The event, sponsored by Rev. Smith, was to be star-studded affair attended by superstars of the entertainment industry, sports, and politics, in a combined effort to bring greater attention to people of celebrity status worldwide. All profits were to go to the immensely rich.
After years of self-identification as a “native American”, Smith continued to politely dodge reporters’ questions this afternoon regarding his “official” racial identity, refusing — against the advice of some of his closest social advisors — to label himself either “black” or “white”. A recent network poll found that 24% consider him to be white, 26% consider him to be black, while an overwhelming 43% majority did not understand the question.
While digging up his backyard to install a new septic tank, Rev. Smith today stumbled upon a medium-sized shiny black monolith which seems to have been purposefully buried there. After hesitating, Smith touch the monolith which soon began emitting a terrible high-pitched tone. Later in the day, Smith found that his word-finding ability in Boggle had nearly doubled and also that his computer was secretly plotting to kill him.
Refusing to take part in any of the “grandiose party-throwing” surrounding this New Year’s Eve, Rev. Smith defiantly spent a quiet night at home, explaining to interested onlookers that it is technically quite incorrect for people to consider January 1, 2001 to be the start of the new millennium, since “not only was there no Year Zero, there was also never any Year Negative Zero.” There actual start of the 21st century, according to Smith, is February 12, 2002.