Archive for 2000

Catholic church adopts 3rd testament

Sunday, April 16th, 2000

In a historic 1-0 vote, the Pope today voted to adopt The New Improved Testament into the church’s official Holy Bible. This third “testament” joins the ranks of the ancient Old Testament and the long-accepted New Testament as official word of GOD. This newest testament “completes the trilogy” according to the Pope. It is expected that other Christian churches will follow the Pope’s lead, adopting this work in weeks to come.

Smith constructs time machine

Friday, April 14th, 2000

After years of research and countless hours of round-the-clock construction, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has finally developed a working time machine.  This early model is not without its restrictions, explained Smith, as it can only travel forward in time not backward.  Nonetheless, its first test was an unqualified success.  “This morning I stepped into the machine and set it for an hour into the future.  After a grueling sixty-minute journey, I had arrived in the future,” smiled Smith, “exactly on time.”

The New Improved Testament goes online

Monday, April 3rd, 2000

Who could forget The Reverend’s wacky daily comic strip The Second Coming from his salad days at Boston University?  Well, if you have somehow forgotten or never got to see them in the first place, now’s your big chance to catch up on all those crazy misadventures of Jesus, Brendan, GOD, Tori, Frog the Frog and the whole gang, in The New Improved Testament, the definitive collection of all The Second Coming comics ever… now online!

April Fools!

Saturday, April 1st, 2000

Yesterday’s report of scary monsters attacking the Earth was really just a good old fashion April Fool’s Day joke. If you fell for it, well, count yourself among the untold thousands who got duped and took such (in hindsight pretty silly) actions as: emptying their bank accounts, fleeing to bomb shelters for days on end, and/or mass suicide.

Alliance of scary monsters attacks

Friday, March 31st, 2000

The intergalactic alliance of scary monsters attacked Earth this morning causing upwards of $43 million trillion dollars in damages. The havoc began at the crack of dawn as the tag team of Krogg!!! and Xelthux leveled downtown Manhattan. By noontime, Verminator 7 had destroyed much of Western Europe, and the sinister Soupy was responsible for Taiwan colliding with India. As of 2pm, the dreadful beast known as Blorgar was reportedly somewhere in the Australian desert, lost and fast becoming deperately lonely.

Rod Stewart issues apology

Monday, March 27th, 2000

A long and bitter feud was one step closer to coming to an end today as singer Rod Stewart issued an apology to The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith for all past grievances. But experts are unsure how Smith will react to this most recent gesture. “I can never forgive that man for the harm he has brought upon me, my family, and the League of Women Voters,” Smith was quoted as saying as recently as last week. Stewart is 55 years old.

Smith fails

Saturday, March 25th, 2000

That old familiar feeling greeted Rev. Smith today for the umpteenth time in as many days: failure. This time it was of the complete and utter variety, a particularly potent strain, but one to which Smith has grown accustomed. “You know, I really, really gave it my all this time,” moped a crestfallen Smith before slumping over dejectedly. Smith will try again tomorrow.

Only 30 days to spend $30 million

Wednesday, March 22nd, 2000

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s uncle had just died, leaving him a huge inheritance–but there’s just one catch: a codicil in his will states that Smith will only get his full $300 million inheritance if he can first spend $30 million in just 30 days without giving any money away or buying gifts for others - and if he fails, he keeps nothing. Reportedly, Smith intends to start buying lots of LEGO.

Letter of apology from Urkel

Wednesday, March 22nd, 2000

A formal letter of apology arrived today from TV’s Urkel, confessing that he had voted for himself 15 times in the current web poll, and seeking forgiveness. “I couldn’t help myself,” explained Urkel. “Do you know what it’s like always living in the shadow of those two giants, Coleman and Webster?” The tear-stained letter went on to explain that Urkel seeks divine forgiveness from Rev. Smith as GOD’s new elect.

BRAD: the game outlawed in Red Oak, VA

Sunday, March 19th, 2000

The small Virginia community of Red Oak today voted to ban BRAD: the game. The move comes after two seven-year-old boys were found passed out next to their computer after an all-night session of playing the computer game. “One of them was dressed up like a monkey,” stated the horrified mother of one of the boys, “and the other had put lettuce in his pajamas.”

Corpses piling up

Tuesday, March 14th, 2000

Workers are stacking dead bodies on top of each other around the clock today in an attempt to clear the way for the next load of bodies which is expect to arrive late this afternoon. “We’re really running out of space here,” said one worker, “that’s probably our number one problem right now–well, after the stench.” The giant pile of corpses now spans over 37 square miles and is 200 meters high in parts  with no foreseen end in sight.

Vendetta up for Internet Film award

Saturday, March 11th, 2000

A holiday classic in its own time, Vendetta: A Christmas Story, has been nominated under the category of Best New Talent in the International Internet Film Festival which is being held in Lille, France this week. Vendetta, which was written by and stars our very own Rev. Brendan Powell Smith, is reportedly very well liked among the French.