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2000 « The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

Archive for 2000

Deep regrets

Thursday, August 24th, 2000

A feeling of deep and profound regret was expressed by Rev. Smith today for a recent string of wrongdoings which Smith candidly admitted were “almost unforgivable”.  “My actions of late in this matter have been completely without merit,” said Smith, “many feelings have been hurt, friendships strained, and confidences broken. I humbly apologize to you all.”

Snoozing through the 90s

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2000

In a recent interview in Celebrity Parade, Rev. Smith admitted that he slept through approximately 1/3 of the 1990s. “Yes, I know it was the decade of Woodstock ‘94, and the birth of the world wide web. But somehow it wasn’t quite enough to keep me awake for the duration,” said Smith. “I even pulled a few all-nighters here and there, but in the end I slept through an average of about 1/3 of each day from 1990 to 1999.”

Flan: is it gross?

Monday, August 14th, 2000

After eating a hearty dinner, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith tonight tried flan, the popular Mexican dessert dish, and while eating it, could not definitively decide whether it was an enjoyable treat or just kind of gross. “It tasted pretty good,” said Smith contemplatively, “but that texture is just weird.  And what’s all that dark liquidy stuff it sits in?”

Pimps up, ho’s down

Friday, August 11th, 2000

According to the latest statistics, pimps are up, while ho’s remain down for the 57th week running. Local pimps expressed happiness over the news by raising up 40oz bottles of malt liquor and smashing them over the heads of local ho’s. The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith, a longtime investor in ho’s, stands to lose a substantial amount of money.

How old is Katie?

Wednesday, August 9th, 2000

BRAD: the game’s Katie stopped by to visit Rev. Smith this week, prompting many in the area to consider the age old quandary: just how old is Katie?  ”I mean, she’s definitely hot,” noted one local philosopher in his mid-20s, “but I think the real question is: How guilty should one feel about realizing that?  I mean, she’s got to be what?  Almost 15 by now, I’d imagine… um, right?”

Reversal of vomit

Saturday, August 5th, 2000

Always one to flout convention, at 6am this morning, Rev. Smith consumed a medium-size pool of vomit, and about twenty minutes later, regurgitated a full meal consisting of 2 eggs, bacon, coffee, and 2 slices of toast with red raspberry jam. Smith then offered this meal to many stunned onlookers, free of charge. There were no takers.

The Human Heads

Tuesday, August 1st, 2000

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today announced the name of his new band at a press conference this morning in at a Motel 6 in Burlington, VT.  He further revealed that he and fellow band member Lila Tene have been working on material for a few months now, and have plans to release the debut album by The Human Heads in Fall of 2000.

Banacek marathon

Friday, July 28th, 2000

Rev. Smith was in attendance and dressed in costume for the first annual 26-hour Banacek marathon held at the Regal Theatre in Montreal yesterday.  All 16 episodes of the Banacek TV series (1972-74) were shown back-to-back, plus the 2-hour pilot.  Attendees raised money for The A-Team foundation, dedicated to helping Mr T who was recently diagnosed with cancer of the mohawk.

Smith offends GOD

Monday, July 24th, 2000

The supreme being today announced that his honor had been insulted by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s popular comic strip The Second Coming.  Accordingly he has challenged Smith to a duel.  The two will settle the matter with pistols at dawn tomorrow.  GOD is widely believed to be the better shot, but Smith has previously felled such worthy opponents as Archduke Mortimer IV and Lord Harrington of Ames.

Disaster narrowly avoided

Friday, July 21st, 2000

Widespread catastrophic disaster of worst kind was believed certain to strike as of noontime today, with most people having given up all hope of survival by 1pm.  By 2:30, a general panic had set in as swarms of people took to the streets, not knowing what to do in the face of the imminent cataclysm that had sealed their fate.  Then by 3:00, people realized that there was nothing to be worried about after all and went on with their lives.

Smith can freeze time at will

Tuesday, July 18th, 2000

Struck by a radioactive meteorite in 1997, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith gained the superhuman ability to stop the flow of time for everyone but himself.  Although he originally had some vague plans to use this power to fight crime, says Smith, these days he mostly just uses it to catch up on a few hours of sleep here and there with no one but himself the wiser.

Brad working on autobiography

Thursday, July 13th, 2000

In the wake of the stunning success of the web-based game that bears his name, Brad today announced he is working with an unknown ghost author on an autobiography to be titled In Absence of Pants. Rumor has it that Brad offered old pal Webster a sum of $300 to appear in the book. It was later pointed out to him that you don’t have to pay people to appear in books.