Already wearied by a week and a half’s worth of post-election battles, Americans have been asked to go back to the polls to definitively determine whether or not The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is hot. ”Justice must be served,” pronounced an aid for Smith, banging noisily on a podium, “for our entire social system of superficially rating people based on their physical appearance hangs in the balance.” He then stared at the crowd silently for a moment before adding solemnly, “God bless America.”
Archive for 2000
Accusations that candidate Ralph Nader kept Rev. Smith from receiving his highest possible “hotness” rating in the recent vote were vehemently denied today in a public announcement from Nader. “I actually tried to get [Smith] to comb his hair a little better for that picture,” explained Nader to a smattering of applause. He then shook both fists and stated that it was “most definitely not” his idea for Smith to have his photo taken at a Taco Bell.
After 3 days and 205 votes totaled, Rev. Smith’s photo on hotornot.com was inactivated with an an impressive score of 6.9 from the voting public. But days later, the score mysteriously dropped to a 4.9 and has stayed there since. Some Smith supporters are blaming confusing ballots. “I think a lot of people meant to rate him a 9 or 10, but then, like, accidentally gave him a 3,” said one. “In the end, I think it was the overseas ballots that really brought him down,” noted one analyst.
Entertainment Weekly reports today that Rev. Smith has been offered the role of Det. Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson in an upcoming movie version of the popular 70s buddy cop TV series Starsky & Hutch. “I’m flattered by the offer,” admitted Smith, “but a bit hesitant to step into the shoes once filled by David Soul.” Already signed to the project is Paul Michael Glaser, the original Starsky, who will play an evil genius, antagonizing two plainclothes officers. Antonio Fargas will resume his role as Huggy Bear.
Citizens across the nation begin voting today, taking part in their sacred civic duty to determine whether or not The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is hot. Smith faces serious competition from thousands of others contenders on the ballot at hotornot.com. The former People Canada’s sexiest man alive had this to say: “People of America, I need your votes!”
When Arby’s management decided they wanted to give their restaurant chain a new corporate image, they hired maverick ad-man Rev. B. P. Smith who came up with the brass-balls slogan behind their new $55 million ad campaign soon to be seen on TV and print ads across the nation. ”Come in. Eat beef. Get out.” reads one straightforward new ad. It is then followed by the soon-to-be ubiquitous catch phrase “Don’t fuck with Arby’s™.”
With only seventeen minutes remaining in last night’s rousing game of duck-duck-goose, Rev. Smith received an injury that required his sitting out the rest of the match. Early speculation was that Smith had not properly stretched before playing, but a closer look at the instant replay reveals another player to be at fault, tapping Smith on the head with excessive force.
After months of diligent work, the debut album by Lila Tene & Rev. Smith’s new band The Human Heads is almost ready for release. A Thanksgiving Day launch for the album is expected. Music stores across the globe are scrambling to make sure they will have sufficient copies of the album on hand to avoid things turning ugly as they did with the release of Smith’s 1999 album LIFE & DEATH.
With a 6-1 vote, the deciding committee of the Oxford English Dictionary today officially added the hyphenated word “nougat-ass” to the list of words that will be added to the 2001 edition of their famous tome. The entry credits Rev. Smith’s autobiographical short story You Drive; I’ll Shoot with the term’s origin, and will include the example sentence “Goddamn nougat-ass froodies be smackin’ out like Ralph Nader at McDonald’s.”
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was rudely awakened at dawn this morning when he was stuffed into a burlap sack, carried into the village square by a local mob, and promptly tarred and feathered. Throughout the day, many of his peers came out to laugh at him in this most humiliating condition. As the sun set, the same mob washed him of the tar and feathers, dressed him in fine linens, and proclaimed him King of France.
Tonight’s E! Celebrity Profile features Rev. Smith and a host of close friends and fellow celebrities. Smith warns, however, that viewers should take their stories about him with a grain of salt. “Tony [Danza] really has no right to characterize our relationship in that light,” said Smith. “And I think Webster is still upset that we’ve cast [Gary] Coleman to play him in [BRAD: the game] the movie.”
Trapped for more than 100 hours in the rubble of a weekend earthquake in San Francisco that measured 8.4 on the Richter scale, Rev. Smith was forced to gnaw off and eat his own left arm, surviving off its sustenance for days while waiting to be rescued. Having barely survived the ordeal, Smith is now taking pains to make sure his replacement arm is made from space-age polymers which are at least 80% more earthquake-proof than standard human flesh.