Archive for October, 2000

Human Heads album nears completion

Monday, October 30th, 2000

After months of diligent work, the debut album by Lila Tene & Rev. Smith’s new band The Human Heads is almost ready for release.  A Thanksgiving Day launch for the album is expected.  Music stores across the globe are scrambling to make sure they will have sufficient copies of the album on hand to avoid things turning ugly as they did with the release of Smith’s 1999 album LIFE & DEATH.

“Nougat-ass” added to language

Thursday, October 26th, 2000

With a 6-1 vote, the deciding committee of the Oxford English Dictionary today officially added the hyphenated word “nougat-ass” to the list of words that will be added to the 2001 edition of their famous tome. The entry credits Rev. Smith’s autobiographical short story You Drive; I’ll Shoot with the term’s origin, and will include the example sentence “Goddamn nougat-ass froodies be smackin’ out like Ralph Nader at McDonald’s.”

Smith tarred, feathered

Monday, October 23rd, 2000

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was rudely awakened at dawn this morning when he was stuffed into a burlap sack, carried into the village square by a local mob, and promptly tarred and feathered. Throughout the day, many of his peers came out to laugh at him in this most humiliating condition. As the sun set, the same mob washed him of the tar and feathers, dressed him in fine linens, and proclaimed him King of France.

E! Celebrity Profile

Friday, October 20th, 2000

Tonight’s E! Celebrity Profile features Rev. Smith and a host of close friends and fellow celebrities.  Smith warns, however, that viewers should take their stories about him with a grain of salt. “Tony [Danza] really has no right to characterize our relationship in that light,” said Smith. “And I think Webster is still upset that we’ve cast [Gary] Coleman to play him in [BRAD: the game] the movie.”

“Tastes like chicken”

Tuesday, October 17th, 2000

Trapped for more than 100 hours in the rubble of a weekend earthquake in San Francisco that measured 8.4 on the Richter scale, Rev. Smith was forced to gnaw off and eat his own left arm, surviving off its sustenance for days while waiting to be rescued.  Having barely survived the ordeal, Smith is now taking pains to make sure his replacement arm is made from space-age polymers which are at least 80% more earthquake-proof than standard human flesh.

Blast from the past

Saturday, October 14th, 2000

Rev. Smith today received a blast from the past at approximately 2pm EST. The blast knocked him backward onto his ass, leaving him momentarily stunned and confused. The source of the blast is unknown at this time, but some experts have suggested that Smith himself may be responsible, having at some point in the 1980s blindly sent forth this blast into the future - only to strike himself today. “How fitting that would be,” noted his aunt Pam.

Shut the fuck up!

Wednesday, October 11th, 2000

Look, I don’t even wanna hear it from you, alright?  Don’t even get started with me.  Just keep your big mouth shut.  Jesus H. Christ. I mean enough already…  What?  What’s that?  What did I just fucking tell you?!  Shut the fuck up!

Hurricane 2000

Sunday, October 8th, 2000

It’s early morning.  The sun comes out.  Last night was shaking and pretty loud.  My cat is purring and scratches my skin.  So what is wrong with another sin?  The bitch is hungry.  She needs to tell.  So give her inches and feed her well.  More days to come; new places to go.  I’ve got to leave.  It’s time for a show.  Here I am!  Rock you like The Scorpions!

BRAD: the game - back up!

Wednesday, October 4th, 2000

It took an army of highly skilled engineers a fortnight to bring it about, but Rev. Smith’s BRAD: the game went back online this morning, to the cheers of thousands of the games enthusiasts. A band of rabid B:tG fans from Idaho City, ID, who had been on a ‘urine strike’ for the duration of the game’s downtime, finally relieved themselves at 9:16 AM. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaah,” said one.