Archive for June, 2000

Smith kicks off summer with a bang

Thursday, June 29th, 2000

Hollywood analysts are expecting Rev. Smith to be the top box office draw this Fourth of July weekend, with some estimating he could bring in as much as $68 million over the four day stretch. Many of the big studios have opted not to even compete with Smith, steering their movies’ release dates clear of the holiday weekend. “What’s particularly impressive about this,” noted one tinsel town insider, “is that Smith doesn’t have a movie out - nor will he in the foreseeable future.”

Morbidly obese

Monday, June 26th, 2000

According to an online medical chart, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith falls under the category of ‘morbidly obese’, carrying an approximate 185 lb. on his 3′4″ body. “Well, I’m pretty surprised about this,” remarked Smith, “I mean, I’m no athlete, but I try to eat right and exercise a few times a week… I guess I’d better cut down on those Twinkies.”  It is believed that the last time Smith measured his height was in 1977.

BRAD: the Game passes 100,000 hits

Friday, June 23rd, 2000

Rev. Smith’s cult hit website BRAD: the game today surpassed the 100,000 hit landmark. Said one recent B:tG fan, “Since my discovery of BRAD: the game, I’ve done nothing else but sit in front of my computer and grow less and less attached to the real world. You owe me four hours of my life back… payable in midgets.”

OK, everyone, buddy-up!

Tuesday, June 20th, 2000

Two days after the spectacularly successful international showing of hands, Smith initiated a further call for everyone to buddy-up. “The buddy system has been used for decades by school groups in order to promote the safety of all, and to make sure nobody gets lost,” said Smith. The plan hit a snag when it was found that the world population is an odd number. Thinking quickly Smith said, “OK, you three triple-up.”

Let’s see a showing of hands

Sunday, June 18th, 2000

Rev. Smith today joined many high ranking US officials and several foreign dignitaries in calling for an international showing of hands. The call went out at noon for people of all nations to raise up one or both of their hands. “I think it’s a good idea,” said Smith from his vantage point atop the Sears Tower in Chicago, “you know, just to see who’s left.”

Smith comes out of closet

Wednesday, June 14th, 2000

After seventeen years of troubled marriage, Rev. Smith today came out of the closet to his husband, revealing that he is not really gay. “I just couldn’t pretend anymore,” said Smith. “I have done some real soul searching these past few weeks and found that I’m just not sexually attracted to men.” Smith said he will exclusively date women in the future, and plans to sell off his adopted son Mitchell on eBay.

Great minds think alike

Saturday, June 10th, 2000

Early this morning Baron Sexton Evillus III unveiled to the unsuspecting public his diabolical plan to destroy the entire universe. “By negatively stimulating the antimatter of a single atom of Iridium, I will start a chain reaction that will envelop the universe in flames! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!” “Not so fast,” countered Rev. Smith. “I had this same plan many years ago, so just don’t go thinking you’re so original, OK?”

Smith talks to the hand

Wednesday, June 7th, 2000

“Talk to the hand,” advised many of Rev. Smith’s closest associates this past week, and on Tuesday morning, that’s exactly what he did. In a closed-door conference lasting nearly 17 and a half hours, Smith talked to the hand on issues ranging from the resurgence of Underoos to the current state of Hip-Hop music in France.

Wedding bells for Brad?

Sunday, June 4th, 2000

Rumors are running amuck that internet megastar Brad may soon be ending his days of eligible bachelorhood. So who’s the lucky gal? Inside sources are naming Anna, who is currently 25 years his younger. Anna & Brad have shared a love/hate relationship over the past six years, but have been pretty much inseparable since last year’s “naked party” during which Anna sprained her ankle during a limbo contest, and was nursed back to health by Brad.

Lard is good food

Thursday, June 1st, 2000

New findings in this month’s Boston Medical Journal show that a long-term diet of high-fat foods renders one nearly impervious to all known diseases. Foods singled-out for their beneficial effects included rich creamy ice cream, chicken-fried steak with gravy, and buttered cheese. “So long as you avoid taxing exercise that strains your body,” said one researcher, “such a diet could render you nearly immortal.”