Dining at the American consulate in Poland this evening, midway through dinner with several high-ranking officials, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was cordially offered a second bowl of borscht. “No, thank you,” he replied as politely as possible. Smith later revealed to the press that the mere smell of the soup had made him feel ill, and that when nobody was looking, he had poured the first bowl down his pants.
Archive for April, 2000
Reacting to yesterday’s front page story run by a Dutch tabloid claiming the imminent reunion of GOF UGNÜT, Rev. Smith today dismissed the rumors as “hogwash”. He further denied any knowledge of an animatronic Jonathan Anthony Field built by U. N. scientists especially for this event. GÜ broke up in 1993 after Field died in an olympic-sized swimming pool of his own vomit.
.lamron ot kcab saw gnihtyreve dna rorrim htgnel-lluf a edisni deppets htimS nehw retal ruoh na flah tuoba deidemer saw noitautis ehT “!draw-ssa-kcab yletelpmoc dekconk neeb ev’I” ,htimS demialcxe “!tihs yloH” .drawkcab saw gnihtyreve ,pu doots eh nehw dna yadot reilrae ssa sih no talf dekconk saw htimS llewoP nadnerB dnereveR ehT
Following up his unforgettable “The End Is Near” fire and brimstone speech from the ‘96 Democratic convention in Chicago, Rev. Smith today spoke at the 2000 Democratic convention in Los Angeles, urging voters to forget about Gore’s pants and focus on the future. “For only by ignoring the needs of today,” declared Smith, “can we fully prepare for a tomorrow that may never come.”
In a historic 1-0 vote, the Pope today voted to adopt The New Improved Testament into the church’s official Holy Bible. This third “testament” joins the ranks of the ancient Old Testament and the long-accepted New Testament as official word of GOD. This newest testament “completes the trilogy” according to the Pope. It is expected that other Christian churches will follow the Pope’s lead, adopting this work in weeks to come.
After years of research and countless hours of round-the-clock construction, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has finally developed a working time machine. This early model is not without its restrictions, explained Smith, as it can only travel forward in time not backward. Nonetheless, its first test was an unqualified success. “This morning I stepped into the machine and set it for an hour into the future. After a grueling sixty-minute journey, I had arrived in the future,” smiled Smith, “exactly on time.”
Who could forget The Reverend’s wacky daily comic strip The Second Coming from his salad days at Boston University? Well, if you have somehow forgotten or never got to see them in the first place, now’s your big chance to catch up on all those crazy misadventures of Jesus, Brendan, GOD, Tori, Frog the Frog and the whole gang, in The New Improved Testament, the definitive collection of all The Second Coming comics ever… now online!
Yesterday’s report of scary monsters attacking the Earth was really just a good old fashion April Fool’s Day joke. If you fell for it, well, count yourself among the untold thousands who got duped and took such (in hindsight pretty silly) actions as: emptying their bank accounts, fleeing to bomb shelters for days on end, and/or mass suicide.