The intergalactic alliance of scary monsters attacked Earth this morning causing upwards of $43 million trillion dollars in damages. The havoc began at the crack of dawn as the tag team of Krogg!!! and Xelthux leveled downtown Manhattan. By noontime, Verminator 7 had destroyed much of Western Europe, and the sinister Soupy was responsible for Taiwan colliding with India. As of 2pm, the dreadful beast known as Blorgar was reportedly somewhere in the Australian desert, lost and fast becoming deperately lonely.
Archive for March, 2000
A long and bitter feud was one step closer to coming to an end today as singer Rod Stewart issued an apology to The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith for all past grievances. But experts are unsure how Smith will react to this most recent gesture. “I can never forgive that man for the harm he has brought upon me, my family, and the League of Women Voters,” Smith was quoted as saying as recently as last week. Stewart is 55 years old.
That old familiar feeling greeted Rev. Smith today for the umpteenth time in as many days: failure. This time it was of the complete and utter variety, a particularly potent strain, but one to which Smith has grown accustomed. “You know, I really, really gave it my all this time,” moped a crestfallen Smith before slumping over dejectedly. Smith will try again tomorrow.
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s uncle had just died, leaving him a huge inheritance–but there’s just one catch: a codicil in his will states that Smith will only get his full $300 million inheritance if he can first spend $30 million in just 30 days without giving any money away or buying gifts for others - and if he fails, he keeps nothing. Reportedly, Smith intends to start buying lots of LEGO.
A formal letter of apology arrived today from TV’s Urkel, confessing that he had voted for himself 15 times in the current TheReverend.com web poll, and seeking forgiveness. “I couldn’t help myself,” explained Urkel. “Do you know what it’s like always living in the shadow of those two giants, Coleman and Webster?” The tear-stained letter went on to explain that Urkel seeks divine forgiveness from Rev. Smith as GOD’s new elect.
The small Virginia community of Red Oak today voted to ban BRAD: the game. The move comes after two seven-year-old boys were found passed out next to their computer after an all-night session of playing the computer game. “One of them was dressed up like a monkey,” stated the horrified mother of one of the boys, “and the other had put lettuce in his pajamas.”
Workers are stacking dead bodies on top of each other around the clock today in an attempt to clear the way for the next load of bodies which is expect to arrive late this afternoon. “We’re really running out of space here,” said one worker, “that’s probably our number one problem right now–well, after the stench.” The giant pile of corpses now spans over 37 square miles and is 200 meters high in parts with no foreseen end in sight.
A holiday classic in its own time, Vendetta: A Christmas Story, has been nominated under the category of Best New Talent in the International Internet Film Festival which is being held in Lille, France this week. Vendetta, which was written by and stars our very own Rev. Brendan Powell Smith, is reportedly very well liked among the French.
The recently released Rev. Brendan Powell Smith action figure which features a head that shoots across the room has been recalled by the manufacturer today after numerous consumer complaints caused many retailers like Wal-Mart and Target stores to refuse to carry it. The head-firing toy has become an instant collector’s item and is quickly selling out at stores in Europe and Asia where it is still available.
A date with Cheslea Clinton went poorly for Rev. Smith this past weekend. The two longtime friends got together on Saturday and, at Smith’s insistance, watched the Disney Channel original movie My Date with the President’s Daughter (starring Dabney Coleman). “I thought the movie was really cool. I’ve seen it about a hundred times,” said Smith, ” but every few minutes Chelsea would turn toward me and just say ‘LAME!’ really loud right in my face, and move my hand off her knee.”
Police have been put on alert, the mayor has been notified, and local fondue restaurants are being locked down today after several reports of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith roaming the city. One report had him strumming guitar on the observation deck of the CN Tower while another had him sipping coffee at the Future Bakery downtown. Not all citizens, however, are convinced of the accuracy of these reports. “What we are dealing with here is an imposter,” remarked Jayson Levesque, “or perhaps a skilled and coordinated team of impostors.”