Archive for February, 2000

Quantum Leap Day

Tuesday, February 29th, 2000

Theorizing that one could travel within his own lifetime, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished. He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Scott Bakula, an observer from his own time who appears in the form of a hologram that only Smith can see and hear. And so Rev. Smith finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

Routine physical exam

Friday, February 25th, 2000

Rev. Smith received a clean bill of health today from a team of doctors after a routine monthly physical examination. “We had to do the usual - cranial rehydration, elbow calibration, testicular rotation, and spleen alignment - but all our tests came back with excellent results,” said Dr. Ian Wulschitz, “Smith is in perfect physical condition. Why, he may even live to see 30.”

“BRAD: the game” Day declared

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2000

The quaint and usually overlooked nation of Luxembourg today declared Tuesday, February 22, 2000, to be National “BRAD: the game” Day. A parade was held, government officials took the day off, and 23 citizens were arrested for indecent behavior. Rev. Smith made a brief appearance at the festivities via satellite broadcast, saying “you peoples is crazy.”

Smith’s pants sell for £343,000

Friday, February 18th, 2000

A pair of outrageously oversized plaid pants worn by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith at a Paris concert in 1987, at the height of GOF UGNÜT’s fame, sold today on internet auction site eBay for just over £343,000. It is unkown who the buyer is, but many suspect it was none other than the King of Pop himself, avowed longtime GÜ fan, Michael Jackson.  Seller celebritypants827 commented, “I hope the new owner has an easier time getting out the jizz stains.”

Wassuuuuuuuuuup…

Wednesday, February 16th, 2000

So, wassup, D? Watching the game, havin’ a Bud. True, true. Wassuuuuup! Wazzaaaaaaaahhhh… Yo, who’s that? Yo, pick up the phone! Hello? Wassuuuuuup! Wahzzzuuuuup… Uuuuuuhhhhh…. Yo! Where’s Dookie? Yo, Dookie! Hey! Yo… Wassuuuuuuuuup!!! Wazzuuuuu– Uuuuuuhhh– Aaaaaa– Auuuu– <<Beep>> Hold on. Hello? Wasssuuuuup! Aaaaaaa– Eh-heh– Ehhhh– Aaaaaa– Oooo–. So wassup, D? Watching the game, havin’ a Bud. True, true.

Danza and Smith on the outs

Sunday, February 13th, 2000

According to inside sources, longtime friends Rev. Smith and veteran sitcom actor Tony Danza are having a falling out of sorts as of late. “Whereas Smith has really matured in recent years,” explained one mutual friend, “Tony is still that same old wild man, refusing to grow up.” The two were last seen together at the premeire of the Jim Belushi vehicle K-911.

Leap frog: back in style

Monday, February 7th, 2000

The game of leap frog, played by thousands of children worldwide, and by a few select foolhardy professionals, is coming back into style after years being looked down upon by many as utterly gauche.  Rev. Smith, a vaunted varsity leap frogger during his days at Boston University, commented, “this dangerous full-contact sport, already outlawed in Europe, should prove to be a pleasant distraction for America during the upcoming elections.”

Groundhog Day a success

Thursday, February 3rd, 2000

Rev. Smith gave word today that Groundhog Day was “an unqualified success”, adding that “everything went exactly according to plan.”  The success comes as a sort of vindication for Smith after last year’s Groundhog Day which, as you will no doubt recall went tremendously awry.

Van Halen drops Smith

Tuesday, February 1st, 2000

As quickly as he joined them, Rev. Smith today announced his departure from rock group Van Halen.  “It is a completely amicable parting of ways,” he explained to reporters.  ”He was fired,” stated Eddie Van Halen at a separate press conference.  “He kept showing up for practices without pants.”  It is not yet known what will become of the material the band worked on during Smith’s tenure as frontman–it is believed to consist of a single song tentitively titled “Bring on the Girls”.