Legendary rockers Van Halen today stunned the music community by annoucing that their new lead singer is none other than our very own Rev. Brendan Powell Smith. The announcement came amidst rumours that former frontman David Lee Roth had rejoined the band. Smith is the fourth lead singer the band has had. ”Shit,” commented Roth upon hearing the news. “Fuck, fuck, shit, goddamnit… dammit. Motherfucker…”
Archive for January, 2000
Self-appointed arbitors of cool, SPIN.com today recognized Rev. Smith’s creation BRAD: the game in their “Kool Thing” section of their website. Noted one twenty-something hipster: “BtG used to be cool when nobody else knew about it except me and a couple of my friends, but now it’s, like, totally sold out and stuff?”
OK, look just stay calm. It won’t do us any good to start panicking. I know things look really bad right now, but I just know that help is on the way. We’ve been gone a long time now, and people are going to come looking for us. It’s just a matter of time. Here, help me find my leg.
According to the latest leaked photos of Rev. Smith, he is once again without hair on his head. The medical condition known as baldness has previously struck Smith twice during in his adult life. He first found himself completely bald in May of 1996, and then again in October of 1998 after a two-day stint of male pattern baldness. “Interesting,” noted one local expert, “then again, perhaps not?”
An H-Net/Fritz media poll of average Americans released today found that, among other things, 68% think that “shooting people is fun”, 76% believe “other countries suck”, and 85% would gladly “beat the shit out of just about anybody who pissed me off.” The poll has margin of error of plus or minus 2%.
In a moment of uncharacteristic showmanship this afternoon, Rev. Smith suddenly and without warning struck a pose and proceeded to vogue for the next three and a half minutes. Asked what his future plans are, Smith said, “Tonight I shall wang chung, probably until I pass out.”
Rev. Smith’s brand new head was on display today for the press and interested on-lookers. There were many ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ heard throughout the crowd, and yet some remained unimpressed. “I don’t see what all this hubbub is about,” noted one media pundit, “it’s virtually indestinguishable from his previous head.”
Even as Smith undergoes massive head-reconstructive surgery at a secret underground hospital in Quebec, Canada, his 1999 album LIFE & DEATH is being hailed as “stupendous” and “fascinating” by critics from Moscow to Japan, making no less than 18 Top Ten albums of the year lists in major publications across the globe.
After a night of running around half-crazed with smoke pouring out of his ears, experts thought Rev. Smith had gone through the worst of his Y2K bug-related problems. But they were wrong. At approximately 12:04 AM GMT, Smith’s head blew up. “It’s a pretty messy situation right now,” admitted George Stephanopolus. “We’re calling in head, nose, and ass doctors from across the globe to see what can be done.”
While most of the world seems to have gotten through the first day of the new millennium without major catastrophe, the Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is reportedly a mess. “It started right at midnight,” said one stunned onlooker, “he suddenly froze-up. And then smoke started pouring from his ears, and was running around crazed.” “It could have been worse,” says Dr. Thadeus Black of Flint, MI, “his head could have blown up.”