Archive for October, 1999

Halloween preparations underway

Saturday, October 30th, 1999

Smith today informed close friends and associates that he plans to spend this Halloween “hiding out in his basement with a flashlight, some canned meats, bottled water, and a loaded and ready shotgun”.  A visibly shaking Smith continued: “I’ve heard about the whole computer virus doomsday thing, and if any of them little looters so much as approaches my front door looking for goodies, they’ll be in for one hell of a surprise.”

For Rev. Smith, it’s LIFE & DEATH

Thursday, October 28th, 1999

The follow-up to IDEAS FOR SONGS by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith will be released sometime in November, and has officially been titled LIFE & DEATH.  Rev. Smith has recorded at least 22 new songs for his solo sophomore effort.  Expect a full tracklist for the upcoming album to be posted here soon.

Smith calims to be “high on life”

Tuesday, October 26th, 1999

Denying all recent charges of substance abuse, Rev. Smith today claimed to have achieved a “powerful natural high–one that goes beyond what illicit substances could possibly offer me”.  Speaking candidly to reporters, he told them “I feel good today, man, real good.  I’m just…high on life.”  Smith later declined to answer questions about an alleged Jones Soda and Mentos candy binge the previous night.

Penis caught in zipper (again)

Monday, October 25th, 1999

For the fourth time in just over a week, Rev. Smith accidentally caught his penis in the zipper of his one-piece pajamas.  On one such occasion last Monday night, the local fire department was called, and the “jaws of life” were deployed in order to free Smith from the zipper.  ”This is a problem I believe I can overcome,” said a sore and mortified Smith today.

Jones Soda supply running low

Sunday, October 24th, 1999

A new report issued today indicates that Rev. Smith’s personal supply of Jones Soda in running dangerously low.  ”I’ve got 3, maybe 4 full bottles left in the fridge right now,” said Smith gravely. “I should really go out and buy a lot more.”  Shaking his head slowly, he added “…a lot more.”

IDEAS FOR SONGS goes gold

Friday, October 22nd, 1999

The debut solo album by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith officially went gold this morning at 6:21 AM GMT.  A far cry from the multi-platinum selling successes Smith enjoyed while with international 80s pop sensation GOF UGNÜT, it is nonetheless seen by many as an accomplishment in sales for a self-released album.  Smith is currently hard at work on a follow-up album which is expected in November.

Smith, Danza together in buddy-cop movie

Tuesday, October 19th, 1999

Veteran actor Tony Danza will team-up with Rev. Smith this fall to film the buddy-cop action movie Hard to Swallow.  Danza will star as Tony Spazamazoni, a tough but fair cop who’s been around the block.  His partner, an over-eager beginner named Dan Chase, will be played by Macaulay Culkin.  Their arch nemesis, an evil drug-running psychotic killer will be played by the venerable Tom Skerrit.  It is believed that Smith will have a brief role as an extra somewhere during the film’s opening credits.

Penis caught in zipper

Sunday, October 17th, 1999

Rev. Smith suffered a minor injury and major blow to his ego last night when just before going to bed, while zipping up his one-piece pajamas, he accidentally got his penis caught.  This is the first time this has happened to The Reverend since he was nine years of age.  “Ow, fuck, fuck, fuck!” said Smith.

Reverend’s Y2K-compatibility questioned

Wednesday, October 13th, 1999

Top scientists and technology experts today expressed concerns about Rev. Smith’s Y2K compatibility at an international symposium.  “Smith was created in the early 1970s and does not have the ability to express the current year using more than 2 digits,” explained Charles Mikulis, professor of Humanetics at Brown University, “consequently, at exactly midnight of Dec. 31, 1999, his head will explode.”

Smith meets President at historic summit

Saturday, October 9th, 1999

Recently Rev. Smith paid a visit to the Jones Soda World Headquarters in Vancouver, British Columbia, where he held talks with Urban Juice & Soda president Peter Van Stolk and close aid, Jones Soda webmaster Ernest Von Rosen.  “I feel confident that these talks will result a new era of prosperity for Jones Soda collectors such as myself,” said Smith.

Rev. Smith declared “World’s Tallest Midget”

Monday, October 4th, 1999

Standing nearly 6″1′, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was this morning declared by the ICHS (International Committee on Heights and Sizes) to be the tallest midget alive.  Smith accepted the honor in a televised ceremony from Rotterdam.  ”Today, I feel huge,” declared Smith just before falling flat on his ass to the delight of thousands of noteworthy onlookers.

Brussels concert canceled

Saturday, October 2nd, 1999

Citing “dreadfully poor weather conditions” and “the fact that I’m not currently on tour”, Rev. Smith held a brief press conference today to announce that the unplanned, non-booked performance by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith which was never scheduled to take place this Tuesday at 8pm at the National Performing Arts Center in Brussels, will indeed not be happening. “Sorry,” he added.