Smith today informed close friends and associates that he plans to spend this Halloween “hiding out in his basement with a flashlight, some canned meats, bottled water, and a loaded and ready shotgun”. A visibly shaking Smith continued: “I’ve heard about the whole computer virus doomsday thing, and if any of them little looters so much as approaches my front door looking for goodies, they’ll be in for one hell of a surprise.”
Archive for October, 1999
Denying all recent charges of substance abuse, Rev. Smith today claimed to have achieved a “powerful natural high–one that goes beyond what illicit substances could possibly offer me”. Speaking candidly to reporters, he told them “I feel good today, man, real good. I’m just…high on life.” Smith later declined to answer questions about an alleged Jones Soda and Mentos candy binge the previous night.
For the fourth time in just over a week, Rev. Smith accidentally caught his penis in the zipper of his one-piece pajamas. On one such occasion last Monday night, the local fire department was called, and the “jaws of life” were deployed in order to free Smith from the zipper. ”This is a problem I believe I can overcome,” said a sore and mortified Smith today.
A new report issued today indicates that Rev. Smith’s personal supply of Jones Soda in running dangerously low. ”I’ve got 3, maybe 4 full bottles left in the fridge right now,” said Smith gravely. “I should really go out and buy a lot more.” Shaking his head slowly, he added “…a lot more.”
The debut solo album by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith officially went gold this morning at 6:21 AM GMT. A far cry from the multi-platinum selling successes Smith enjoyed while with international 80s pop sensation GOF UGNÜT, it is nonetheless seen by many as an accomplishment in sales for a self-released album. Smith is currently hard at work on a follow-up album which is expected in November.
Veteran actor Tony Danza will team-up with Rev. Smith this fall to film the buddy-cop action movie Hard to Swallow. Danza will star as Tony Spazamazoni, a tough but fair cop who’s been around the block. His partner, an over-eager beginner named Dan Chase, will be played by Macaulay Culkin. Their arch nemesis, an evil drug-running psychotic killer will be played by the venerable Tom Skerrit. It is believed that Smith will have a brief role as an extra somewhere during the film’s opening credits.
Rev. Smith suffered a minor injury and major blow to his ego last night when just before going to bed, while zipping up his one-piece pajamas, he accidentally got his penis caught. This is the first time this has happened to The Reverend since he was nine years of age. “Ow, fuck, fuck, fuck!” said Smith.
Top scientists and technology experts today expressed concerns about Rev. Smith’s Y2K compatibility at an international symposium. “Smith was created in the early 1970s and does not have the ability to express the current year using more than 2 digits,” explained Charles Mikulis, professor of Humanetics at Brown University, “consequently, at exactly midnight of Dec. 31, 1999, his head will explode.”
Recently Rev. Smith paid a visit to the Jones Soda World Headquarters in Vancouver, British Columbia, where he held talks with Urban Juice & Soda president Peter Van Stolk and close aid, Jones Soda webmaster Ernest Von Rosen. “I feel confident that these talks will result a new era of prosperity for Jones Soda collectors such as myself,” said Smith.
Standing nearly 6″1′, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was this morning declared by the ICHS (International Committee on Heights and Sizes) to be the tallest midget alive. Smith accepted the honor in a televised ceremony from Rotterdam. ”Today, I feel huge,” declared Smith just before falling flat on his ass to the delight of thousands of noteworthy onlookers.
Citing “dreadfully poor weather conditions” and “the fact that I’m not currently on tour”, Rev. Smith held a brief press conference today to announce that the unplanned, non-booked performance by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith which was never scheduled to take place this Tuesday at 8pm at the National Performing Arts Center in Brussels, will indeed not be happening. “Sorry,” he added.