Lured by a letter from an ex-finacee expressing concern about her missing daughter, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith this week traveled to Black Rock City, NV, where he encountered a strange community that has isolated itself from modern civilization. With increasing desperation, Smith has sought to piece together clues about the missing girl he now believes to be his own daughter, but his efforts have been actively thwarted by locals whose bizarre customs and rituals continually leave Smith confused and annoyed. In the most recent turn of events, today Smith was surrounded by a crowd of people dressed in animal costumes, had his head forcibly covered with bees, and both of his legs broken. He has now been hoisted to the top of an enormously tall wooden effigy which is soon to be set ablaze.
The new installment of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s new comic strip Self Help has arrived. Famed creator of previous comic strip endeavors Barfield and The Second Coming, Smith says of his latest project, “I like cats.” So far Self Help has been picked up by zero daily newspapers and weeklies in over thirty cities across the U.S., Canada, and Ecuador. Smith has indicated that he is hard at work on a third installment of Self Help which is expected by May 2017 and/or this Tuesday. The capital of Ecuador is Quito.
The actions of right-wing extremist Anders Breivik this past Friday, in which he dressed as a policeman and ruthlessly gunned down more than a hundred and fifty defenseless teenagers at a summer camp, has opened the eyes of liberal westerners around the globe to the merits of conservatism. “I used to think multiculturalism and tolerance were virtues,” said Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg, “but this gruesome mass murder of innocents has been a real wake-up call. I see now that liberalism must be stopped.” European leaders are gathering in the wake of the attacks to discuss how the views laid out in Breivik’s 1,500 page manifesto can be most quickly implemented, including the violent annihilation of Islam, Marxism, and multiculturalism. Noting the success of Breivik’s tactics, many ultra-conservatives in the US are reportedly considering suffocating babies and strangling puppies in a further effort to show liberals the error of their ways.
One of the best things about Bible stories is that they remind us to teach our kids the moral values that we might not think to teach them otherwise. Take for example: racial intolerance, deception, and favoritism. The four new stories added to the Genesis section of the Brick Testament website today begin with the patriarch Abraham aghast at the idea of his son Isaac marrying anyone of the Canaanite race. We move on to Isaac deceiving foreigners about his wife. Then Isaac and Rebekah bear twins, and each favors one twin more than the other, culminating in Rebekah and Jacob using lies and deception to fool blind, elderly Isaac and screw over Esau. These are not merely the upstanding (if seldom taught) moral actions of the people God chose to bless above all others, but those practiced by God himself. So parents, teach your children well.
The results of an MRI this week have confirmed what doctors, friends, and associates have long suspected: The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is an asshole. “Note these blurry sections of the images here, here, and here,” said Dr. Wallace Ingraham, explaining his findings. “Smith would simply not hold still during the scan, and responded to prompts to do so with childish retorts like ‘No, you hold still!’” Technicians present during the scan agreed: “He kept making fart noises while the machine was running, and then laughing hysterically.” Smith’s friends, many of who have recently started families of their own, observed that Smith has grown increasingly curmudgeonly with age, and is often downright mean. “I asked if he wanted to see wanted to see photos of my kids,” said longtime friend Kerry Dorman, and he was like, ‘Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hells no!’ What an asshole!”
Behold! The Brick Bible: A New Spin on the Old Testament is the name of the new book from The Brick Testament and Skyhorse Publishing, and it’s available for pre-order from Amazon.com right now! This big, bold, and beautiful collection, will be 8 1/2 by 11 inches with 256 pages, 1,400 illustrations! It retells the Old Testament stories in all their glory, from Adam and Eve all the way to King David, Solomon, and beyond. Pre-order copies for your whole family, congregation, Sunday School, and/or godless intellectual book club! Or at least hit the “like” button on Amazon! It generates excitement!!
US president Barack Obama made a televised broadcast from the White House this evening to announce his plan to travel back in time and kill Adolf Hitler. “At my direction, America’s top scientists constructed a device capable of sending a human backward through time,” said the President. “The technology is experimental. The cost of activating the device, astronomical. Yet the mission to kill Adolf Hitler is so important that it simply cannot wait. We must act now.” The president went on to explain that he volunteered to carry out the mission himself because he could not, in good conscience, ask it of another. The outlined plan calls for Obama to leave 2011 this Thursday, May 12 at noon EST, and “time drop” into Berlin, Germany, in 1939, assassinate Hitler, and launch his body into space, as is customary in Nazi tradition.
Facing years of slumping sales and general public disdain, the Arby’s fast food chain has yet again contracted The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith to spearhead a new direction in advertising in hopes of keeping the company afloat. Smith’s brainchild is the plaintive, simple slogan “Please, Eat at Arby’s” now seen on billboards and bus stations across country. Striking a far more conciliatory and humble tone than his previous work for the company, Smith says he spent time “feeling up America” to see what approach would work best. “Let’s be honest: people don’t like Arby’s anymore,” said Smith, “maybe they never did. But I think one thing people can appreciate is an unpretentious plea for help from a company in need.”
How morally vile an act would you be willing to perpetrate if you were convinced God told you to do it? Would you steal someone’s wallet? Would you punch a random stranger in the face? Would you hijack a plane and fly it into a skyscraper? Would you slit your beloved son’s throat and burn his corpse? These are the sorts of questions that the faithful must ask themselves, for one never know when they will be tested. And lest you imagine that, as in the latest set of illustrated stories at The Brick Testament website, God will always shows up at the last second to tell you it was all only a test…keep in mind that sometimes God actually wants you to go through with it.
Just nine years after 15 Saudi Arabian citizens hijacked four US airliners and killed nearly 3,000 people on American soil, the US government is set to announce plans to sell $60 billion in arms to Saudi Arabia. The deal has several other nations, who would not otherwise consider attacking the United States, looking into ways to encourage its citizens into carrying out horrific terrorist attacks within the United States. Said France’s minister of defense Hervé Morin, ‘We also could benefit from a $60 billion arms deal with the US. Perhaps we will have French citizens blow up the Sears Tower and Mount Rushmore.’ He added, ‘And in response, perhaps the US will invade Italy!’
Imagine a world where we all spoke the same language and harmoniously worked together toward common goals and monumental achievements. Terrifying, isn’t it? God thought so, and he was quick to take action, purposefully handicapping mankind with a “confusion” of languages, and scattering people into various nations unable to live peaceably amongst each other, and ensuring that mankind would never again be so industrious or bold as to build a tower with its top reaching the heavens. A single new story has been re-illustrated and added to the Genesis section of The Brick Testament website today.
Rev. Smith was hospitalized today after he collapsed while out for a run. Witnesses to the incident say Smith fell to the ground suddenly and then screamed in pain relentlessly for 35 straight minutes until an ambulance arrived. Doctors say Smith is suffering from a hamstrung hamstring, a common injury among runners, although few cases require hospitalization. “Mr. Smith seems to be a bit of a wuss,” said Dr. Hugh Field, “a lot of athletes could just walk off an injury like this. But not Smith.”