Today, Rev. Smith hosts the The 7th annual ‘Run For Your Life’ in San Francisco, CA. Participants wil be running to support what many consider the most important cause of all: their own continued survival. The 43km race starts at noon, and throughout the closed-off course, runners will be chased by a slow, but steadily-moving steamroller driven by Smith himself. “This race is about saving lives,” says Smith, “and in a much more direct way than some charity races I could name.” Smith added that participants need not gather sponsors or collect pledges. “They should really just focus on staying one step ahead of me.”

A 29-year-old Poughkeepsie, NY, woman named Deborah Zingler went to her doctor on Friday after weeks of experiencing sudden weight gain, vomiting, and a large tumor-like growth in her stomach area.  Experts technicians used a rare medical device called a sonograph, to “see” inside Zingler’s abnomal growth using sound waves.  But nothing they’d seen before could prepare them for their amazing discovery.  Inside Zingler’s midsection, doctors found she was growing a second human brain.  It is unclear whether Zingler will eventually be able to think with this second brain, or whether the second brain will have a wholly  separate and distinct personality.  For the safety of the patient, doctors plan to study the development of the brain and its surrounding tissue for a few more months before removing it through an incision in the lower abdomen, or by forcing Zingler to push it out her vagina.

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith met in secret last night with the gnarly old sage of Kentucky, and engaged him from dusk till dawn in a contest of wisdom.  The all-night competition, held high atop Mt. Ferriwip with no others there to witness, ended in a complete stalemate.  And no one was the wiser.

The final four illustrated stories from the book of Revelation, reveal God’s ultimate plan for humanity in full. And what a plan it is. Sure you may have been wondering what all that crazy build-up was leading to, what with all God’s elaborate killings and tortures of the vast majority of humankind. But when you finally see that all those people who were tortured and killed on Earth are also going to be tortured in burning hot flames for ever and ever after they died horrible deaths, it all just suddenly comes together. So go now, read the final stories of Revelation and have your own A-ha! moment. Happy epiphany!