The Brick Testament website has been updated today with seven new illustrated stories. Little is going right for David as he enters into his advanced years as king. His virgin daughter is raped by his firstborn son. Another son becomes a murderer, forms a popular uprising, and drives David out of Jerusalem. As he is fleeing, an old enemy tosses rocks and curses at him. Perhaps strangest of all, a long-since-decapitated enemy unexpectedly returns to fight the Israelites anew. Rest assured, these convoluted goings-on are all part of God’s plan, as he selective intervenes in human affairs to bring disaster on David’s family and bring disaster on Absalom.

While the President is away in Africa, a White House janitor today stumbled across the entrance to a hitherto unknown chamber located deep within a subbasement of the White House. The 15×20′ room contains a variety of gags, whips, chains, hoods, and harnesses, plus a single bed and a water faucet. It is unclear as of yet whether the room functions as a secret interrogation chamber for suspected terrorists, a perverse presidential pleasure dome, or both. While President Bush has invoked executive privilege in refusing to answer questions about the matter, former president Clinton told reporters this afternoon, “It certainly wasn’t there when I moved out. That’s not my thing.”

For as far back as he can remember Rev. Smith has heard voices in his head. “They tell me to do things,” Smith recently explained to his therapist, “usually mundane things like ‘Take out the trash; it’s trash night’ or ‘How about getting a little exercise?’” Though it’s usually a version of his own voice that he hears, “I hear celebrity voices sometime too,” says Smith, “like if I’m replaying in memory part of a TV show I just watched.” Smith’s therapist, the distinguished Dr. Errol Vanderwitz says that Smith “is being an idiot” and has recommended that Smith “get the hell out of my office.”

Record turnouts at Super Tuesday primaries across America yesterday confirm that voters are responding passionately to vague promises of ill-defined change. The person seen most benefiting from this voter enthusiasm so far is candidate Barack Obama who, if elected, would become America’s 44th president who is at least half-white. Sen. Obama’s maverick pro-hope stance set him apart from the pack early on, and his rousing oratory has even managed to sway some Republicans. Declared Sen. Obama during a victory speech in Chicago last night: “The time for nebulous, unspecified change is now.”