With gas prices at all-time highs, and top oil companies reporting record profits, the government is scrambling to come to the aid of the thriving oil industry. One proposal has been to remove the 18.4-cent federal tax on gas, allowing oil companies to keep prices unchanged and reap the added profit for themselves. Another proposal has been to give every American family $100 which it must immediately pass on to the oil company of its choice through purchases of gas at the inflated prices that have driven the record profits of the oil companies. Said President Bush, “If poor and working class Americans don’t look out for the outlandishly rich, who will?”

Rev. Smith has once again been tasked with masterminding the latest slogan and related advertising campaign from the Arbys corporation. Striking a more conciliatory tone than previous ads Smith has created for the company, the latest Arbys TV spots note that “You may not like Arbys the first time you try it.” In fact, the new ads reach out to those who have tried Arbys several times without acquiring a taste for it. “Stick with it,” encourages a deep voice over video of an extreme close-up of a large man chomping on an Arbys sandwich. As the man’s mouth eventually breaks into an appreciative smile, the voice sounds the new slogan, “Arbys: You’ll Learn to Love It.”

President George W. Bush today revealed to the American people that he has aids. He further explained that he has no plans to step down from his position because of his condition; that he has had aids since his days as governor of Texas; and that he firmly believes he can do as good or better a job as a president with aids than if he did not have aids. Bush said that his condition has helped him feel a special bond with all Americans who have aids, and has motivated him to promote any legislation which provides financial relief to people with aids, so that they might live more comfortable lives.

This Sunday, Rev. Smith will join hundreds of other self-proclaimed “Gulf War buffs” in the Nevada desert to reenact the famous Highway of Death battle which originally took place on 26 and 27 February 1991. Smith’s role in this, his first ever reenactment, is that of an Iraqi soldier whose body becomes charred beyond all recognition when US war planes relentlessly bombard his column of retreating soldiers which offers no resistance. Due to the intense desert heat, spectators of the reenactment event are expected to be limited.

A camera crew from the German television station RTL stopped by Rev. Smith’s home recently to interview him and capture him at work on his ongoing project The Brick Testament. The material will be assembled for a five minute segment that will air on the popular “news magazine” program Explosiv sometime in the days leading up to Easter. Said Smith about his debut on German television, “Ich bin eine deutsche Fernsehenberühmtheit!”