Wealthy, massively deformed Englishman, Joseph C. Merrick III, today attempted to purchase the corpse of the deceased “King of Pop” Michael Jackson, first offering the sum of $500,000 to the UCLA Medical Center where Jackson’s body is currently being held, then later increasing his offer to up to $1 million.  Merrick’s publicist said that Mr. Merrick “has a high degree of respect for the memory of Jackson,” that he “is fascinated by the historical significance of his remains,” and that Merrick “hopes to add his corpse to his collection of rare and unusual memorabilia at his Leicester compound.”  The UCLA Medical Center’s chief administrator Edward Davids says they have no intention of selling the corpse, and will keep it stored in their pathology collection.

Simultaneously astounding fans and repulsing his critics, Rev. Smith upped the ante on rival shock rockers last night by performing an on-stage stunt widely viewed as both morally base and physically impossible. Launched on stage from a cannon amid massive pyrotechnics, Smith, naked and covered in chicken guts, proceeded to writhe around on stage for nearly ten minutes to the bombastic sounds of his hit song “Chewbaccalypse” before strutting his way up to the microphone and promptly biting off his own head. Smith’s Dayton, OH, show scheduled for tonight has been canceled.

God has a plan. Our pathetic, puny human minds cannot comprehend the utter and sheer brilliance of God’s plan (and God made sure of that by only equipping us with pathetic, puny human minds), but rest assured that God does indeed most certainly have a plan. And here’s one thing we can know about God’s plan: it involves torture. Lots and lots of torture. Sure, torture is generally regarded by us comparatively dim-witted humans as the most morally vile, reprehensible, and cruel behavior possible. But this must only show our lack of intelligence, because God can’t get enough of the stuff. In our latest four illustrated stories from Revelation, God continues to pour down wave after wave of horrible torments on mankind.

When The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was found to be pregnant, his girlfriend Lila, being a righteous woman and not wanting to disgrace him, had planned to quietly leave him.  But as she considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to her in a dream and said, “Do not be afraid to take Brendan as your husband, for the child who has been conceived in him is of the Holy Spirit.  He will bear a daughter and you shall name her Anna, for she will bring people favor and grace.”  As of press time, Lila was still strongly considering dumping Smith.

A superior court judge has ruled that Rev. Smith’s practice of taking regular early morning fitness walks flies in the face of what our forefathers had in mind when they framed the guiding principles of our nation’s laws. “By waking up at the crack of dawn and taking a brisk walk through the hillside woods behind your home, Mr. Smith,” said judge Emmanuel Obermauer, “you are making a mockery of everything good and decent in our society’s moral underpinnings.” The judge then sentenced Smith to seventy-two minutes of community service, and added: “Next time wear some clothes, you pervert.”

Throughout the the Old Testament, the figure of Satan receives nary a mention.  It  is almost as if the whole idea of a powerful archnemesis of God was foreign concept to Judaism until after most or all of the Hebrew Bible had been written. The New Testament, on the other hand, takes Satan completely for granted, never bothering to explain how or why the whole realm of earth has been granted to him. We learn the most about Satan from the book of Revelation where God props him up as enemy, has him deceive the world into worshipping him, only to war against him, and condemn all his worshippers to eternal torture. In our latest set of five new illustrated stories, Satan is cast to Earth and is, ironically enough, received as something of a “godsend” by the surviving population who have endured (and will continue to endure or succumb to) wave after wave of the most gruesome torments from God and his angels.

With his recent nights spent losing sleep over his unexpected pregnancy, Rev. Smith has come to realize he’s in trouble, deep. His friends have repeatedly advised him to give it up, saying he’s too young, he ought to live it up. Smith also approached his father, explaining that what he need right now is some good advice, and beseeching him not to preach. Smith says he was still “in an awful mess” until last night while shopping at the local grocery store, he heard a diembodied voice speaking to him set against a moderate tempo 80s dance beat. In a moment of epiphany, Smith made up his mind. “I’m keeping my baby,” said Smith. “I know I’m gonna keep my baby. Mmmm. Ooooooh.”

Rev. Smith stopped by a local Planned Parenthood clinic today to help sort through his feelings about being pregnant and to get more information about his options.  “It’s not that I don’t want to be a father,” Smith explained to a clinic counselor, “but I was raped, and I don’t even know by who.”  Smith broke down in tears and added, “I don’t want to have some psycho’s child.”  With Smith in his fifth week of pregnancy, the counselor explained that the Abortion Pill is still an option, although she admitted there was not currently enough data to know “whether it works on guys.”  Smith vowed to give the matter much serious thought in the upcoming days, and then stopped off on the way home for some chocolate ice cream and pickles.

There’s a popular notion that the Bible gives us two starkly different portrayals of God. There’s the Old Testament God who often directly intervenes in human affairs to bestow favor on particular races, drown people, kill babies, command genocide, or torture people with snakes, and then there’s the New Testament God who seems remote and aloof, and whose son espouses a surprisingly loving, forgiving ethic.  But those who read the New Testament carefully know that Jesus drops more than a few hints that God has hardly lost his appetite for destruction, and is instead saving it up for one final gory feast. The Old Testament God, Yahweh, returns to form in the Bible’s final book, Revelation, and in today’s four new illustrated stories we begin to see what sort of plan for humanity ol’ Yahweh has been scheming up during his “quiet years”.

In what medical experts are calling “a miracle”, it appears that The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is the first known male human to become pregnant.  Smith was first taken to the hospital yesterday morning after suffering through days of nausea and vomiting.  A standard blood test proved to have shocking results when Smith tested positive for the pregnancy hormone, human chorionic gonadotropin.  An ultrasound later confirmed the early presence of a yolk sac.  Although doctors have flown in from around the country and are excited to study this medical phenomenon, Rev. Smith does not share their enthusiasm.  “This shouldn’t be happening!” a near-hysterical Smith was heard to say before revealing to doctors yet another twist to this odd story: “I was raped!”

After Job last November, it was announced that Smith would next be turning his attention to the book of Revelation.  “When?” he was asked. “Very soon,” he replied.  But when weeks with no website updates stretched into endless long months, many began to despair. Some thought this generation would taste death before it ever came to pass.  A select few, however, remained faithful and ever-vigilant, knowing that Smith illustrates like a thief in the night!  And now: Behold!  Just in time for Easter, it’s the first four illustrated stories from that book of The Bible that has been stretching the meaning of the words “very soon” for nearly 2,000 years.

“Greetings, favored one!”  announced the angel Gabriel to Rev. Smith today after appearing unexpectedly in his living room.  “Do not be afraid, Brendan, for you have found favor with God. You will become pregnant and give birth to a daughter, and shall name her Anna”  “How can this be,” Brendan asked the angel, “since I’m, like,  a dude?” The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow you.  So the holy one to be born will be called the Daughter of God.”  Smith slowly backed away from the angel, fumbled for his cell phone and began to dial 911.